Life After Beau

These are just a few things I've written. In this emotionally chaotic time, it helps to organize my thoughts.
Thank you for sharing this life with me.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Now it's been seven.

I realized towards the end of my work day today, that today's date is the seventh.  It's been seven months without Beau.  I actually felt really ok today, I feel empowered, I feel good.  Beau is never far from my mind - in fact, he's always right there.  Right under the surface.  So close I could almost touch him, but sadly, I can't.  I can just hold him with my heart and keep him near, and breathe in the presence of him that I sometimes feel when I look up at the sky.

I burst out crying last night, sort of out of the blue, but at the same time, typical.  After dinner last night, Sam and I were planning our trip to the Canyonlands (around the Moab area) for this weekend, and I was aware of something missing.  Something was missing, and at first I couldn't put my finger on it.....were we supposed to be doing something this weekend?  Was somebody supposed to come visit us?  (we've had, thankfully, lots of visitors this summer).  Did we have another commitment?  Or can we just leave for a four-day weekend and not look back?  And I suddenly realized that it was our SON we were missing.
Beau will not be in the car seat going with us on our camping trips, gurgling and making baby noises, pooping his diaper, and looking out the window at the beautiful views, and - just - being alive. 

I cried for a long time.  And I was so thankful that I have a loving husband to drop everything to hold me.  And I - again - found myself suddenly feeling extremely vulnerable.  I do that often; I am so acutely aware that just because the UNTHINKABLE happened when Beau died, I am not immune to further tragedy.  There is no guarantee that "she has been through enough".....other things can happen, other things HAVE happened to Baby Loss Mamas.  And I got so scared, and I cried some more.

Then this evening came, and I was making dinner (a traditional southern dinner, "red beans & rice" that we make often - I have learned how to make some purdy durn good cornbread....Sam's from Mississippi and I know he loves me a teeeeny bit more for that.  Heehee).  I put on a music mix that we put together for our rehearsal dinner, we had a traditional Fish Fry at my wonderful in-law's, the night before our wedding (over 3 years ago).  I was stirring the cornbread batter tonight, while our southern music mix was playing in the background, and I was thinking of how happy our wedding was, and my thoughts drifted to Beau.  Suddenly June Carter Cash's song came on, "Keep on the Sunny Side" and I felt like, through my sadness, it was playing just for me. 

There's a dark & a troubled side of life
There's a bright, there's a sunny side, too
Tho' we meet with the darkness and strife
The sunny side we also may view

Keep on the sunny side, always on the sunny side,
Keep on the sunny side of life
It will help us ev'ry day, it will brighten all the way
If we'll keep on the sunny side of life

The storm and its fury broke today,
Crushing hopes that we cherish so dear;
Clouds and storms will, in time, pass away
The sun again will shine bright and clear.

Keep on the sunny side, always on the sunny side,
Keep on the sunny side of life
It will help us ev'ry day, it will brighten all the way
If we'll keep on the sunny side of life

Let us greet with the song of hope each day
Tho' the moment be cloudy or fair
Let us trust in our Saviour away
Who keepeth everyone in His care

Keep on the sunny side, always on the sunny side,
Keep on the sunny side of life
It will help us ev'ry day, it will brighten all the way
If we'll keep on the sunny side of life

I used to think of it as a super-happy song, but you know what?  I think it's a song of encouragement.
And then - you guessed it - I cried some more.  But through my tears of sorrow, alongside my tears of pain, I also cried some tears of gratefulness for my son to even bring his presence into my life.  I know that Beau would want me to be happy, would want us, his mommy and daddy to be the happy people that we are naturally.  And I'm trying to see that even though Beau graced us with his presence for only a short time, he provided us with so much happiness, so much LIFE, so much hope.  So I'm trying, Beau, I'm trying not to live my life as a devastated and defeated person, walking with my head down.  I'm trying to "keep on the sunny side" baby, because I know that's where you are!! 


p.s. a couple wedding pictures, just cuz I wanted to share.  May 12, 2007.  It was so much fun!!


  1. Such beautiful photos, thanks for sharing them. I need to work on my corn bread.... never as good as it should be. Tips?

    Seven months huh? Where does the time go? Down our face in tears is my guess. I'm glad that song came on when it did and filled you with something other than despair.


  2. Minnow...
    You have an absolutely wonderful way of expressing your love, appreciation...and sorrow. Such a healing and healthy thing to do! You are one amazing & beautiful woman!!!

    Thank you for this gift of sharing and opening up yourself to us! In addition to sharing Beau, your humor, the healing that is taking place and joys with us too.

    It is truly touching to witness that your love for Beau always bursts through the painful veil of grief. You are able to see the priceless gift that Beau's life has brought to you & Sam just by him simply coming with love into your lives...This Is Pure Beauty!!

    Love Lori

  3. It's a song who's meaning has changed a lot for me too (we also have the June Carter Cash version). It isn't just a fun happy song. I see it as a song of hope, encouragement while traveling this unpredictable ride of life.

    Those are beautiful wedding photos. (((((hugs)))))) Thank you for such a beautiful post.

    Karin from MISS