Life After Beau

These are just a few things I've written. In this emotionally chaotic time, it helps to organize my thoughts.
Thank you for sharing this life with me.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Weird but good.

I had a meeting today, out of the office, with a bunch of people I do not see on a very regular basis - just every few months or so. The last few meetings with this group, I skipped, for fear of running into someone who saw me pregnant, but didn't know what happened. And so inevitably, when the meeting ended today, and everyone was walking to our cars, a woman approached me that I had met a few times before, while I was pregnant. We had talked about pregnancy stuff last winter.

She walked over to me with an excited look on her face. “Did you have your baby?” she asked. [What kind of question is that, anyways? Did I deliver him? Yes. Do I have him now? NO.]

I answered her question by saying quietly, “Well he passed away actually. Shortly before he was to be born. Umbilical cord accident, most likely.”

She said, “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t see you at the last meeting, so I just figured….you know, you had your baby….” Her voice trailed off, and she looked confused.

“Well, I took some time off.” I answered.

“Oh.” she said, and nodded. Then she turned to me, smiled cheerfully and said, “Well, have a good one!”

“Yeah, you too…” I said, and we parted ways.

I got in the car, sat for a minute with the keys in my lap, and stared off into space. Until I realized there was an SUV lurking behind me, waiting for my sweet parking spot. So I started the car, drove back to the office, and thought to myself, “Huh. That was an interesting response. Smile and ‘have a good one’, just seconds after I tell you what happened? Hmm, haven’t gotten that one yet.” But I didn’t get pissed at her for her odd response, I didn’t yell expletives when I was driving, I didn’t even cry. Not one tear. After the maybe 10 minutes it took me to get back to the office, I was ok. Calm even. I felt like I was control of my emotions, and it felt very very good. Weird for once, but good.

Then when I got back to the office, I saw flyers suddenly taped up in their usual spots, whenever there is a baby shower (there are lots, lately). A Noah’s ark-themed baby shower announcements for a co-worker, “Peter is having a BOY!” My thoughts were, “Yeah, yeah, someone’s always popping one out. I didn't even know Peter was pregnant." Heh heh.

There was a baby shower scheduled for me back in March, but Beau didn’t make it to it; he must have known his mom doesn’t get into those kinds of things anyways. Which made me chuckle (a tiny bit) when I realized that today. Thanks Beau, for saving your mom the embarrassment of opening up gifts in front of co-workers, saying, “Awwww! It’s so cute! Thank you!” a million times, eating an awkward catered lunch, and drinking punch in the conference room. Whoo-hoo. Not that I wasn’t grateful at all for the planned baby shower, in fact I was very touched, but my co-workers knew I was sort of mocking the whole concept anyways. Actually I remember saying to them several times, "You guys REALLY don't have to do this. REALLY." But they laughed and said it was mandatory and all I had to do was pick a date. And register for gifts. I said, "Well, ookkkaaayyy, but absolutely no baby shower games".....Have you guys been to a baby shower where they play games?! Ehh, not really my style.

Two fairly large emotional triggers in one day. And I feel okay! Baby steps (no pun intended)? Progress? Healing? I don’t know, but it damn sure feels good.


  1. Good for you! These things are so unpredictable but I'm really glad you were able to face both of these difficult triggers and feel alright afterward. That is huge.

  2. I may have had the same response as the lady....before we lost Beau. Thank you, Beau, for teaching us compassion.

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  4. That was definitely an odd response from that woman!

    You know how some people are "shocked into silence" after hearing about the unthinkable news of a baby dying. They simply are so upset to hear such news, that they just don't say anything at all (which can be so hurtful to a grieving parent.) Big Sigh...

    Well, I wonder if this woman was so shocked to hear your news about Beau, that she just couldn't cope. And that strange response of her smiling and saying "Well, have a good one!" just slipped on out due to her nervousness.

    And as she was walking away and went about her day, I wonder if she kicked herself for that inappropriate response. Or maybe it was too horrible to hear such news that she couldn't deal with it and blocked it out completely. I just wonder after such reactions occur...

    Your coping with this woman and then going back to work and seeing the baby shower flyers...and being able to handle that too with such grace is definitely signs of healing Minnow!

    Just like Amy said...That Is Huge!