Rudy Tootie

Our beloved dog, Rudy, made her earthly departure this week.  It was time, we have been expecting it for a while now, but we are still sad because we'll miss her.  Sam got Rudy about 14 years ago, when he was in college.  She was such a good girl.  The week that Beau died, Rudy had a small stroke (we think) and was walking sideways for a while, falling down, and not eating.  We thought it would be her "time" back in March when death seemed to overwhelm us with its presence.  But then shortly thereafter, she bounced back in a huge way.  Rudy was able to enjoy the summer with us, enjoy the new house, her new yard, and her patch of sunshine on the floor.  She went for walks in her new neighborhood, and visited a lovely new park.  But, this past week, she decided it was time to go chase the squirrels in the sky.  We love Rudy dearly, and are grateful for what seemed like "extra" time with her over this painful summer.  We needed her.  Rest in peace, Rudy, you're a good girl.

Now it's been seven.

I realized towards the end of my work day today, that today's date is the seventh.  It's been seven months without Beau.  I actually felt really ok today, I feel empowered, I feel good.  Beau is never far from my mind - in fact, he's always right there.  Right under the surface.  So close I could almost touch him, but sadly, I can't.  I can just hold him with my heart and keep him near, and breathe in the presence of him that I sometimes feel when I look up at the sky.

I burst out crying last night, sort of out of the blue, but at the same time, typical.  After dinner last night, Sam and I were planning our trip to the Canyonlands (around the Moab area) for this weekend, and I was aware of something missing.  Something was missing, and at first I couldn't put my finger on it.....were we supposed to be doing something this weekend?  Was somebody supposed to come visit us?  (we've had, thankfully, lots of visitors this summer).  Did we have another commitment?  Or can we just leave for a four-day weekend and not look back?  And I suddenly realized that it was our SON we were missing.
Beau will not be in the car seat going with us on our camping trips, gurgling and making baby noises, pooping his diaper, and looking out the window at the beautiful views, and - just - being alive. 

I cried for a long time.  And I was so thankful that I have a loving husband to drop everything to hold me.  And I - again - found myself suddenly feeling extremely vulnerable.  I do that often; I am so acutely aware that just because the UNTHINKABLE happened when Beau died, I am not immune to further tragedy.  There is no guarantee that "she has been through enough".....other things can happen, other things HAVE happened to Baby Loss Mamas.  And I got so scared, and I cried some more.

Then this evening came, and I was making dinner (a traditional southern dinner, "red beans & rice" that we make often - I have learned how to make some purdy durn good cornbread....Sam's from Mississippi and I know he loves me a teeeeny bit more for that.  Heehee).  I put on a music mix that we put together for our rehearsal dinner, we had a traditional Fish Fry at my wonderful in-law's, the night before our wedding (over 3 years ago).  I was stirring the cornbread batter tonight, while our southern music mix was playing in the background, and I was thinking of how happy our wedding was, and my thoughts drifted to Beau.  Suddenly June Carter Cash's song came on, "Keep on the Sunny Side" and I felt like, through my sadness, it was playing just for me. 

There's a dark & a troubled side of life
There's a bright, there's a sunny side, too
Tho' we meet with the darkness and strife
The sunny side we also may view

Keep on the sunny side, always on the sunny side,
Keep on the sunny side of life
It will help us ev'ry day, it will brighten all the way
If we'll keep on the sunny side of life

The storm and its fury broke today,
Crushing hopes that we cherish so dear;
Clouds and storms will, in time, pass away
The sun again will shine bright and clear.

Keep on the sunny side, always on the sunny side,
Keep on the sunny side of life
It will help us ev'ry day, it will brighten all the way
If we'll keep on the sunny side of life

Let us greet with the song of hope each day
Tho' the moment be cloudy or fair
Let us trust in our Saviour away
Who keepeth everyone in His care

Keep on the sunny side, always on the sunny side,
Keep on the sunny side of life
It will help us ev'ry day, it will brighten all the way
If we'll keep on the sunny side of life

I used to think of it as a super-happy song, but you know what?  I think it's a song of encouragement.
And then - you guessed it - I cried some more.  But through my tears of sorrow, alongside my tears of pain, I also cried some tears of gratefulness for my son to even bring his presence into my life.  I know that Beau would want me to be happy, would want us, his mommy and daddy to be the happy people that we are naturally.  And I'm trying to see that even though Beau graced us with his presence for only a short time, he provided us with so much happiness, so much LIFE, so much hope.  So I'm trying, Beau, I'm trying not to live my life as a devastated and defeated person, walking with my head down.  I'm trying to "keep on the sunny side" baby, because I know that's where you are!! 

love,

minnow

p.s. a couple wedding pictures, just cuz I wanted to share.  May 12, 2007.  It was so much fun!!

Music

My musical taste has been described as schizophrenic, and I think that's pretty accurate.  I listen to everything from Neil Diamond, to angry loud punk music (including Irish-punk), to the Beastie Boys, Karen Carpenter (So? at least I admit it), some jazz, indie rock, Indigo Girls, Johnny Cash, The Flaming Lips, 50's bubblegum oldies, the list goes on and on.......and if I've had a couple beers and 80's music starts playing on the dance floor, move over Elaine from Seinfeld, here I come! :)  There are some pop songs that play on the radio that I can get into, but for the most part, that's the only type of music I DON'T like.

And for some reason lately, I have been playing a Dolly Parton album and really appreciating the beauty of her voice.

I found this video on You Tube with Dolly and Norah Jones, and I love both their voices.  It's one of Dolly's songs about love and loss and how she had to think in terms of "opposites" in order to survive her new life without her love.  I love this performance because of the beauty of their music, and how they were able to illustrate the absurdity of a pain felt so deep.  I think of it as a metaphor for how quickly life can turn upside down. 

Here's a peek:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a5B039WRrGA

love,
minnow